Start your sales pitch with a lie, Dave Geezer and mates

I’ve been rung up by three separate cold callers this week, trying to sell me financial services.

The pattern and patter is the same each time –

“‘Ello Chwis, this is Dave Geezer/Robbie Wide Boy/Haroon Halfwit speakin’. We spoke a month or so ago, but you was a bit busy wasntcha and asked me to call you back around now to discuss your finances/pension/investment portfolio.”

My reaction to the last two calls was –

‘You are either a liar or an idiot, as I have never spoken to you before in my life and if I had, I would have told you clearly and politely to leave me alone’.

The response to that was ‘uh?’.

I asked the final caller where they get their sales patter from and whether it worked – as it was clearly a lie that we had spoken before. The last geezer insisted it wasn’t a lie and was adamant that we’d had ‘a conversation’. I asked him if he’d had an imaginary conversation with me and he suggested he may have called me but I’d been asleep and talked to him during my slumbers. I put the phone down.

Look, cold callers – I appreciate it’s your job to cold call people and maybe get a client or two in return for your efforts. But! Do you really think starting your call off with an idiotic lie about having already spoken to the person you’re calling is already going to work?

Let me know if I’m wrong, Dave Geezer and friends, but I suspect the answer is that most people think this approach is as stupid as I do.

ps Please stop calling me.

pps I’ve lost my notes, but I fink you wanted to transfer all your funds dahn my neck of the woods, innit? Lahvely.

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5 Responses to “Start your sales pitch with a lie, Dave Geezer and mates”

  1. Pete the Parasite Says:

    Can I at least interest you in some Spanish Time Share?

  2. rupertbu (twitter) Says:

    He must have subsequently checked a dictionary, as my cold caller suggested I "should not be terse", in reaction to my comment that my friend "…. Evans should be able to call me, if there is such a person!"
    But as the call came from Abu Dhabi, that may explain the more cultured approach!

  3. Bush Mechanic Says:

    A lovely approach I’ve seen is to ask the caller to hold a moment as you are about to finish some task. Then don’t return to the phone, just leave then hanging. Waste more of their time than they do of yours.

  4. Miss Anne Thropic Says:

    As my wise dad likes to say to these parasites: "You’re wasting your time and, worse, your wasting my time…"

  5. Miss Anne Thropic Says:

    Oh dear – that should be "you’re wasting my time." Am appalled at my punctuation lapse!

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